Leaving The Nursing Cover At Home

1. I wrote this post before Irene became a very real threat to the east coast. I'm still publishing it because I wrote down some of my feelings about breastfeeding and how I got to the level of comfort where I am now. I only changed the last part to reflect that I won't be going anywhere this weekend.

"Lactivism (portmanteau of 'lactation' and 'activism') is a term used to describe the advocacy of breastfeeding. Supporters, referred to as 'lactivists', seek to promote the health benefits of breastfeeding over formula-feeding and to ensure that nursing mothers are not discriminated against."
-Wikipedia.org

I have been a lactivist since childhood, according to this definition. There are LOTS of breastfeeding mothers in the homeschooling circles. I grew up around breastfeeding, it is so completely normal to me. It was even normal in front of *GASP* teenage boys *FAINT*. Breastfeeding has been so ingrained in me that there was never any doubt that it was what I would do for my babies when I was blessed with them. While I was pregnant, I had more breastfeeding dreams than I did weird/scarey pregnancy dreams. It wasn't until after Joey was born and after I did even more reading on the subject that I became more vocal about breastfeeding. More active in my lactivism.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I knew breastfeeding was pretty awesome. I knew it was healthier for the baby, I knew that it excellent for bonding, but what especially appealed to me was that it was free and super convenient--you can do it anywhere you go because your boobs don't detach! You can't lose a boob in the bottom of your diaper bag because you don't put your boobs in the diaper bag. That was about the extent of my knowledge of the facts of breastfeeding. And that was fine because I wasn't nursing yet.

I have a lot of conversations at work. A LOT. It's what helps the time pass and keeps us sane. Lots of different conversations with lots of different people, and generally the conversations stick to neutral topics. If you've known someone for a while though, topics can get a bit more spicy. I have a distinct memory of a conversation with a (female) co-worker about breastfeeding in public. It actually wasn't really a conversation, it was more a story about a time when she went out to dinner at a restaurant. There was a woman at this restaurant who was nursing her baby apparently. My co-worker was gravely offended. She did not say that she went over to the mother and asked her to move or anything like that. But I, someone who grew up around lactating boobs, could offer nothing in the poor nursing stranger's defense or even politely educate my co-worker. I had nothing. I didn't want to get into a heated argument with no ammunition, especially since our shifts can be pretty long and I wanted to continue passing time by having conversations with this woman (who is perfectly nice btw). So I nodded in understanding of her discomfort and we moved on to other topics.

I think that was the first time I was truly aware of the level of discomfort that breastfeeding in public (covered and otherwise) can cause in people. I knew that there were people out there who didn't like it, I had seen nursing covers and knew that people used them, but it hadn't really occurred to me just how controversial breastfeeding in public is. Growing up around it, I didn't realize that it wasn't the norm. Granted, I didn't see it in public outside our circle of friends, but I probably just didn't notice or figured that any babies we saw weren't hungry at the time.

Fast forward to being pregnant, knowing I was going to breastfeed both in private and in public, and remembering the conversation with that co-worker, I researched. Despite her discomfort with that stranger nursing her baby, she did more for breastfeeding than she realized. Because of that conversation, I read up on the laws in my state, I read all that I could in relation to why breastfeeding is so healthy both physically and emotionally, and yeah, I still loved that fact that it was free and convenient. That nursing mother who so offended my co-worker has my thanks because without her, that conversation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have been inspired to research the hell out of my boobs. That nursing mother put the active back in my lactivism and all she did was nurse her baby. She probably didn't even realize my co-worker had seen her or been offended. She was just nurturing her baby.

Now my baby is 3 months old and still nursing strong. I had so many great examples of breastfeeding growing up and both sides of the family have shown us tremendous support and I can't thank them enough. My childhood exposure combined with my research has given me a level of confidence I've never had before. I'm strictly a non-confrontation person. I avoid it at all costs. I am affected physically by confrontation, I literally get butterflies in my stomach, my face gets hot, my heart races, and depending on the confrontation, my hands may start to shake. This confidence for breastfeeding that I have feels incredible. I breastfed at a restaurant when Joey was 3 days old with a priest at our table (Fr. Daniel is awesome). I had a cover on, because we were still learning (Joey took forever to figure out how to latch properly), and we were with my parents, so I didn't feel like the conversation would stop while I tried to get Joey fed, I didn't feel like all eyes were on my while we struggled with the cover. The conversation continued normally, Joey ate, I ate, we all ate, it was awesome. I would never have been able to do that comfortably if I hadn't seen it so much growing up and if I didn't have that conversation with the co-worker.

All of this has a point and I'm getting there. Two of my very good friends are currently pregnant, one due in October and the other due in January. Both of them want to breastfeed their babies for at least the first few months. That is AWESOME on so many levels. Obviously because it's super good for their babies and all that but on a selfish note: we're going to hang out and have play-dates and nurse our babies together just like my mom did. We're going to have this super cool shared experience in addition to motherhood and I LOVE that. Not that I wouldn't support them if they chose formula, and we would still have play-dates and hang out, and our babies would be exposed to both methods of feeding. But this is still really awesome to me. Getting back to the point. I've already had a sort of breastfeeding lesson with the friend due in October. Dan and I were at their house for a gathering and she had questions. I happily went upstairs to a bedroom with her to give her a better view and answer the questions as best I could. October was grateful that I was so willing to show her because she didn't grow up with the same experience that I did. January also had questions and while she was over at my house, I answered them as best I could and also nursed Joey in front of her (he was hungry anyway, that boy will eat unless he's sleeping...). Because there's only so much you can describe.

This weekend the three of us were headed to the beach for a "just girls" trip. Hurricane Irene changed that and Ocean City is currently under evacuation and no new people are allowed in. January's mom has a condo and was going to let us stay there which totally rocks. Other than swim in the condo's pool, we didn't really have plans, which I was fine with. I like going with the flow. I'll was going to be taking Joey with me, because he is still nursing and I had decided to leave my cover at home. I'll post some links to blog posts and articles that gave me the extra boost of confidence I needed to make this decision, but it does all boil down to that mom nursing her baby who offended my co-worker. She was a catalyst, she inspired me to do research and not just blindly accept what I'd seen. I'm not going to strip off my shirt or whip out my entire boob, and I'm not degrading any nursing moms who are more comfortable with their covers, but I will not be ashamed to nurse my baby and I will not be MADE to be ashamed of what I'm doing.

The decision to leave my cover at home, even though I don't get to hit the beach now, has been so freeing. Despite the possibility of confrontation, not having my cover eliminates a level of anxiety I didn't realize I had. When I use the cover, usually, more of my breast is bare than if I don't use one. This is due to the fact that it's just easier to feed Joey that way, without any clothing in the way. However, the cover can make nursing more difficult because a) I can't see him as well b) he likes to play with it and c) it's just really annoying. When Joey plays with the cover, there's a chance that any onlookers will get a glimpse of some side-boob. When I'm using the cover it's because I'm in mixed company (specifically males that I am friends with or related to) and that affects MY comfort level when I'm nursing. There would have been no such males on our trip to the beach. The cover is one less thing to pack, one less thing to worry about. I have not really cared about what others could see, more like I cared about their reaction if they did see skin. I am not going to worry if a nip slips and someone sees it because their discomfort with a breastfeeding baby is their issue not mine. This decision renewed my excitement for this trip on a whole new level because I was leaving what's left of my anxiety at home with the cover. That's one reason I'm disappointed we won't be going now. I anticipated a stranger approaching me. I'm not naive. I would have had printouts of the law in the diaper bag. If asked to leave an establishment, I planned on waiting for the cops or until I finished my business, whichever came first. Despite not going to the beach, my decision to only use the cover sparingly still stands.

I will sit down and nurse in protest of our culture's oxymoronic sexualization/prudishness of female breasts.

I will do it because there's a chance I'll inspire someone else to nurse their baby or get more information. Just like that random nursing mom in the restaurant.

I will do it for my friends because it is easier to learn if you've seen it.

I will do it for myself. (Yay decreased risk of breast cancer!)

Most of all, I will do it for Joey--whenever and wherever he is hungry.

I am woman. Watch me lactate!

Only a few hours old!

The links I promised:
The Real Reason Not to Cover Up Nursing Mothers
Do mothers breastfeeding in public make you uncomfortable? Yeah, me too.
The Day I Was Told To Stop Breastfeeding at the YMCA
You Got A Problem With My Boobies, PUNK?
Covering Up is a Feminist Issue
Nursing Uncovered
Just Cover Up?
Just pump a bottle?

These were all written by amazing moms who have helped contribute to my breastfeeding confidence!




ETA: Since composing this post last week, I have nursed in public without my cover. No confrontations, no angry looks (that I saw), just me and Joey. My favorite interaction was when I went down to meet a friend at a restaurant/bar in Annapolis. We had this awesome back table in the corner, surrounded by walls on three sides. My friend is a regular and all the employees know her and come talk to her. This table in the corner that night became the "employee table", they would come chat, roll their silverware, even eat their dinner. I was wearing one of my favorite nursing shirts, it covers even my massive boobs to the point where you can't see any skin unless Joey pops off. Joey got hungry, so I started feeding him with a female server and male bartender at our table in addition to my friend. After several minutes, the bartender realized what was going on and decided to take his dinner elsewhere to eat (not suggest that I leave, so points for him). I told him I was fine if he stayed but he said, "No, it's ok, I don't want you to be uncomfortable." When I explained that if I were uncomfortable, I'd use a cover, he added, "I'm just from a different generation" (he was 10 years older than me, max) and headed off to finish his dinner elsewhere. It's worth noting that the female server stayed until one of her tables needed her.

My friend was amazed that I wasn't phased by all the people walking around, I continued talking and eating with Joey latched on. I was proud of myself because it took a while for me to get to that comfort level. I also explained to her another possible reason for the bartender moving from our table. He was uncomfortable, despite saying that he didn't want to cause me discomfort. I explained that he probably felt uncomfortable for me, in a similar way to me feeling awkward for Michael Scott when he does crazy things on The Office. But he (the bartender) was very gracious in his discomfort and did what people should do when they're uncomfortable with breastfeeding: he did not disturb the nursling. He came back later, long after Joey was finished, and we all had a good time chatting and laughing like nothing ever happened. Because nothing did happen. I fed my baby. A baby eating is not a big deal, it's not national news. It's an every day occurrence. So bartender, I can't blame you for your discomfort, but I can thank you for the way you handled it. Well done sir.