Decisions I Hope Never to Make

There's been discussions in my online mommy group about everything under the sun. Some discussions are personal while others are lighthearted and fun. One of the most recent is whether or not we (anyone in the group) will be having more kids. Having 2 kids under the age of two, it's easy for me to see the side of those who are happy with the size of their family and are done having kids. It's easy for me to understand the appeal of no more interrupted nights, no more diapers, and no more tantrums. I can absolutely understand the desire to move into the next phase without looking back except to say, "Remember when...?" I've seen the struggle that can go with making such a permanent decision, I appreciate the difficulty and the emotions that go with it.

But that struggle is not for me, at least not willingly. In high school I would have told you (and I did tell several people) that I wanted 12 kids. I don't really have a number any more, but I can tell you that we're not done having kids. I've always wanted to adopt so that will hopefully happen somewhere down the line. Our answer when people ask us how many kids we want is "As many as God gives us". After Joey was born, and all the nonsense with the surgery afterwards, I cherished every moment of his babyhood and squishy-ness because I didn't know when or if I would be blessed with another baby. When I found out I was pregnant with Noah I was so happy and relieved. Since he's been here, I've made sure to enjoy as much as I could. The quiet moments spent nursing at night, baths in the baby tub that Joey has been too big to use for a while now, even diaper changes have positives (Noah doesn't fight and try to run away...yet). I don't know when the next baby will bless us, so in the meantime I'm trying to enjoy everything as though he's my last. If, for whatever reason, we are only blessed with two kids, I don't want to miss anything because my mindset was "Oh we'll have more, it's ok." I'd like to say for sure that we'll have more, I would love more, but I don't know what God has planned for us and frankly, I'm kind of relieved to have left that decision up to Him. If I were to decide that we were done, I would always wonder if it was the right decision or if we were missing out on another blessing. By leaving it up to God, I don't have to wonder, I can just go about my day, comforted knowing that I'm going along with His plan.

I'm not a bystander though, definitely not. Dan and I haves prayed and decided that we'd like at least a couple years before the next baby. Especially because we know now that being pregnant causes my milk supply to tank. It's my goal for each baby to breast feed and delay solids for as close to a year as we can get due to my food allergies and the higher risk of my kids acquiring similar allergies. I look forward to meeting our next baby but I also look forward to a break from being pregnant and watching my boys grow.